“If you marry me, you need to know a few things.  I am going to spend my life preaching and planting churches, which means we will be constantly fighting demons and dealing with criticism.  We will always be a target.  We will probably be poor, too.”

It was the early 90s and we had been dating a few years.  We’d both just finished college and it was time to get engaged or part ways.  Madly in love, engagement was the inevitable choice.

Except for one thing — before I asked Jennifer to marry me, she needed to know what she was getting into.  She already knew that I wanted to spend my life in the ministry serving others.  But I felt it was only right to ask her to take a few weeks and pray about some things before I asked her to marry me.

So one evening on a walk, we stopped at a playground and had a serious discussion on a bench about these things.  A few weeks later she said yes, a few months later we both said “I do”, and now some 30 years later we are still married and serving a local church.

Why this discussion before marrying and entering the ministry?  Because I knew in advance that for all the stress that pastors carry, their spouse shares an immense load as well.  Here I speak of my wife being the spouse, but this could certainly apply to the spouse of a female in a clergy role.

According to recent studies by Barna and Focus on the Family, fifteen hundred pastors leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or contention in their churches.  Fifty percent of pastors’ marriages will end in divorce.  Seventy percent of pastors constantly fight depression.  The majority of pastor’s wives surveyed said that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered the ministry.  And if all of that wasn’t enough, ninety-five percent of people who enter the ministry leave the ministry for another profession, most in less than five years from the time they began.  That is, nineteen of twenty pastors quit.

Marry into that!  Every blue-eyed blonde’s dream!

As I said, the pastor’s wife carries quite a burden.  Yes, I have to navigate the statistics above, but then she has to navigate me!  My wife is my greatest friend and supporter — so all that I bear is shared by her.  I put up with a lot, but she puts up with me.

Another aspect of being the pastor’s wife: You’re expected to be perfect, but nobody notices you. That sounds contradictory and harsh, but it’s true; let me elaborate a bit. People don’t even know they’re doing it, but there is an expectation placed on the spouse (and children) of people in ministry that they should hold the same standard of character and faith as the pastor himself! So, everybody is watching, but at the same time, few show much appreciation. For example, years ago my wife’s grandmother, who she dearly loved for nearly 90 years, passed away. That week we happened to have a group Bible study in our house, but my wife, who was normally present hosting, cooking, and welcoming people into our home, had to be away to help clean grandma’s house. Our study finished up and just as it did my wife arrived home after a long day mourning and taking care of details. Despite the entire group of 20+ people knowing why she was away, only a few of them even acknowledged her loss and grief. This isn’t to say the others were bad people; it simply illustrates that often we forget that those serving us are humans with real struggles of their own.

Sometimes I catch wind of this thing that someone invented called “Pastor’s appreciation month”.  That’s nice and I very much appreciate the encouragement and cards and free coffee.  But I think a great deal of credit and recognition should go to the pastor’s wife as well.

At age 27 she supported me as I left a promising career in management to enter the unknown of starting a new church.  No members, no salary, no benefits, no health insurance, no pension, no budget, no building, no promises.  Our denomination fully endorsed and ordained me, but in Vineyard we like to do it old-school style.  So that’s what we did.  At our first meeting about a dozen people showed up in my living room along with my Bible, my guitar, and some good food.

Since then we’ve grown and stabilized and had many adventures.  But we always remember the lean times and the risks we took, and the strength God gave our marriage in that time to bear the load.

And my wife has been, aside from the Lord himself, the single most significant factor to our church living, thriving, and being a blessing to so many in our community here and around the world.

So here’s a tribute to my wife and to pastor’s spouses everywhere — these noble servants, these unsung heroes, these unseen pillars of the church, these saints among saints.  Thank you for all you do for others and all you are for me!